"The Ia! Ia! Sisterhood's Feararri placed first today after traversing the entire track in an astounding twenty-three seconds. To the surprise of commentators and fans watching at home, it was the only vehicle to cross the finish line. Two other racers are reported to have been escorted off the track and are currently listed in stable condition at Bellevue Hospital after being treated for bouts of hysterical blindness. The last racer, a souped-up Ferrari GT California roadster, which was in the starting position next to the winning Feararri, is said to have suddenly started leaking coolant when the Fearrari pulled up. The engine died shortly thereafter."
